““If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you,
you have won your brother. “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two
more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT
MAY BE CONFIRMED. “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if
he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax
collector. “Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound
in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.
“Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they
may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. “For where
two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.””
(Matthew 18:15–20, NASB95)
Matthew 18 is one of the most important texts on grace anywhere in the bible.
Grace is recognized as being at the heart of vv. 21-35, but the six verses just quoted
are every bit as much about grace. Grace does not equal mercy; it begins there but
it then seeks to encourage radical change in a community of accountability.
Discipline is found as much in a healthy congregation as in a healthy family. The
Church understands that deliverance from sin’s shackles is vital to the well-being
of every Christian. The Church is an instrument of that freedom.
When I counsel couples before marriage, I warn them that the secret to a
healthy marriage is not to avoid conflict at all cost. A healthy couple knows how to
argue well. What is true for couples is also true for our other relationships,
especially in the Church. So today I want to share some of the principles that I
teach in premarital counseling.
First, a Christian approaches conflict with confidentiality. Speak to the person
that you have an issue with rather than drawing others into the issue. Remember
the value of the other and do not allow them to be unnecessarily embarrassed. No
matter how righteous the anger, let love dictate both your actions and words. Once
the issue is widely shared, the relationship becomes much harder to heal.
Second, is the issue one of principle or preference? If it is truly principle, then
communicate the reason it is so important. If it is preference, seek to find
compromise that both find palatable. Too often, we insist on preference and allow
those issues to become power games.
But there are those times when real offense has been given—times where sin
needs to be confronted. Here, we must respond in love. Even as loving parents
must discipline their child, loving discipline is also necessary in the Church. This is
what Jesus is teaching us in these verses. We must always be ready to forgive, but
grace also necessitates restoration. Jesus calls us in such times to loving
confrontation because we love one another too much to leave our brother or sister
estranged from the Lord.